From "The Game Rules for Life" by Doug Kelley

Our Society has a label to describe folks who insist on making others do things their way—“control freaks.” What arrogance it takes for a person to insist on others doing something a certain way when the only good reason is personal preference. They may feel that “everyone is entitled to my opinion.” And in so doing, they may put others down and make them feel bad. Never forget this: Nobody has the right to make others feel bad about themselves, and no one should ever allow others to make them feel bad about themselves either. There are many ways to accomplish the same task. Ours is not necessarily the only way or even the best way. 

Here is a bizarre question: Is the earth flat? Believe it or not, some still cling to the idea that the earth is flat (it's true—have you ever heard of the Flat Earth Society?). It is truly amazing that in this age of technology, there would still be some that refuse to look at the overwhelming evidence proving a spherical earth. Proof is as simple as the rising and setting of the sun. I could go into further abundant proof, but do I really need to? For some people, it would seem so, and here is why: 

Some hold on to a Flat Earth Mentality by clinging to and insisting on their own way of doing things, and not growing personally to embrace new thinking. If you fit this type of mentality, then ask yourself the "Why?" question. Do you hold on to a Flat Earth Mentality by refusing to see things any differently than you did five, ten or 20 years ago? Do you have a death grip on long-held beliefs and ideas that may or may not be based in fact? If so, you need to broaden your thinking to escape the bounds of a restrictive Flat Earth Mentality. Granted, it is not comfortable or easy to abandon long-held beliefs and ideologies, but it is absolutely vital in showing proper respect for free will. As long as we endeavor to control others, or refuse to let go of outdated thinking, it is the same, in principle, as believing in a flat earth. If this describes you, then come back to the 21st century! It is no fun for you to keep living in the dark ages! And it's no fun for others around you either.  

Occasionally, we find ourselves in a situation where we are called upon to give our opinion on a matter. Why not offer it without all of the control issues attached? We need to not take ourselves too seriously. Here is a principle that will allow us to view control issues in the proper light: 

If it is a matter of preference, yield.  If it is a matter of principle, stand firm. 

The fact is that no one has the right to control others, the only exception being within the reasonable parameters set by the law of the land. In a healthy way, we should adopt the maxim, “Live and Let Live,” and not be overly concerned with controlling others. When as a child I would get overly concerned with something my brother was doing that I thought was wrong, my dad would tell me that I needed to be concerned with Doug, not with my brother. He also added that watching Doug was a 24-hour a day job and that I should give it my attention before trying to change others. He was right. In fact, watching myself is not only a 24-hour a day job, it is also a life-long job—it never ends. 

Another area of control involves the concept of "submissiveness." This concept is prevalent among fundamentalist religions, and comes from an over-zealous and rigid interpretation of certain Biblical scriptures, and inappropriately mixed with control issues. Granted, there are times when we must be submissive, such as submitting to the laws of the land, or to God. But the kind of submissiveness I am here speaking of is the idea that a woman should be completely submissive to her husband, and in some cases, vice-versa. I contend that this is incorrect and inaccurate thinking. Here is why: 

The dictionary assigns the root word of submissiveness this connotation: "Submit suggests full surrendering after resistance or conflict to the will or control of another." This indicates that a person "submits" only after resistance and unwillingly succumbs to the control of another. The implication here is that one person insists on their own way without regard to the feelings of the others. The laws of Love, Mercy, and Free Will completely invalidate the concept of submissiveness.  

A much healthier and accurate concept is "deference." The dictionary assigns the following connotation to the word "defer": "Defer implies a voluntary yielding or submitting out of respect or reverence for, or deference and affection toward another." In a healthy and mature adult relationship, two people show respect for the humanity and freewill of the other. When discussing a matter, they calmly endeavor to reach a mutual agreement, again, respecting each others' human-right of free will. Especially in matters of preference, one will yield, or defer, to the other who may have strong feelings on a particular subject. 

If a matter is one of principle, then mature adults will rationally and reasonably explore the matter, endeavoring to use insight and good judgment. They realize that the goal is to reach a decision that is in the best interests of all concerned. This requires that both show honor to the other and resist any efforts to control. By using this method, the best course of action will usually become apparent. It is very possible that one person has had the right perspective all along, and once apparent, the other will defer (not submit ) to the better judgment of the first. This is healthy give and take at its finest!  

In the context of religion, many men use the concept of submissiveness to "keep their wives in line." This is nothing short of a dysfunctional means of control. Any man or woman who demands submissiveness from another adult who is his or her equal, is categorically out of line—they need to confront and slay their own control demons. When one person insists on controlling another, no good comes of it. Resentment builds, and over time, eats away at the foundation of the relationship like an insidious onslaught of termites on a building. Many times, the relationship is utterly destroyed—marriages fail; friendships end. The controlling person exhibits a profound lack of love and respect for the other.  

If you are under the misguided impression that you must reign as Lord and King over another person—Wake up! Submissiveness has no place in a healthy and mature adult relationship. Submissiveness may have its place in certain instances, such as parent-child relationships, to the laws of the land, or in employer/employee relationships, but not between a husband and wife, or two otherwise equal adults. 

The interesting thing about this topic is that if you are insistent on submissiveness (that is, being a "control freak"), this discussion probably makes you angry and resistive. But this is exactly the reason why you should be concerned. We humans often become defensive by trying to justify an opinion we hold that has no basis in reason. If this is your attitude, then I am not asking you to "submit" here. I ask that you "defer" to a higher knowledge and comprehension of the matter. Enhance your life and that of your spouse or friend by not trying to control them! Submissiveness is dysfunctional! 

If we human beings would simply take the time to learn the lessons of free will and tolerance, just think how much sorrow and pain we would prevent. If we could just stop for a minute—take a time out—and cease taking ourselves and our opinions so seriously, the whole world would benefit, but mostly us! Does this sound Utopian? Of course! But this is exactly what we so desperately need—for everyone to show tolerance and respect for another's human-right of free will. Only when we learn to respect another's right to choose freely—and without all the judgmentalism attached—can we begin to develop to the next level of human existence.