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Assertive
communication case study
By Doug Kelley, CH, CSL • March 2006
Think
twice before you speak, because your words and influence will plant the seed
of
either success or failure in the mind of another.
—Napoleon
Hill, American author, 1883-1970
A
while back, I came across a pitiful example of communication skills on the
part of a Yahoo Group owner named “Delores” (all names changed). I was a
member of this group, and it was configured with “open moderation,” that
is, anyone could join and post a message without moderation. Spammers often
target open groups and this group was no exception.
In
time, several members began to complain about the spam, and in response, one
member named “Lori” (herself a group owner of another group) suggested a
method that she said eliminated 98% of the spam in her group. I have also used
this method successfully with my own Yahoo Groups in the past with a 100%
success rate. This method involves going to a moderated group configuration in
which the first post of any new member is moderated. Once I was certain that
the new member was not a spammer, I gave him or her unmoderated posting
privileges. This method completely eliminated any spam being sent to the
group, as I was able to delete the message and ban the spammer from my group
before the spam went out to the group at large.
Now
that I have given you a little background, consider the reply that Delores,
the group owner, posted to member’s complaints as well as to the suggestion
by Lori to switch to a moderated configuration. I present Delores’ message
exactly as it appeared, poor grammar, punctuation, and misspelled words in all
their glory:
let
me tell you people something
this
is a internet group forum and its free
all
the websites YOU peole surf to, is where the email addresses are
gotten
from that target forums like this.
We
are not interested in porn, sex or any of these things and YOU may
have
no idea how many posts we nuke.
"you
moderate members until you deem they are "ok"
in
your eyes? 'What do you do go to their homes and look over there
shoulders
until that person seems acceptable to you?
I
run this website and this forum.
if
you don't like the occasional odd and bad things that are posted
here,
well join the club. Neither do I. 98% percent spam free, ooooh!
I
guess out of hundreds of posts this month - 5 or 6 spams are what?
one
percent? Well whoppeee for you.
If
you want to post complaints, do it else where.
As
Steve said I also echo. [Delores now quotes another
moderator of her forum]
Sorry
for the nasty posts that come about here, we get rid of them
soon
as we see them and they do not come from us.
Further
said, ignore them please - as you would anywhere else until
we
delete them and stop complaining so much.
Get
over yourselves.
Soon
after this message was posted, I left the group because of the message.
I would like to analyze Delores’ message for the benefit of my readers so
similar poor communication techniques can be avoided.
“let
me tell you people something”
This
is a condescending, harsh, and aggressive method of addressing people.
LESSON:
As a leader, never use aggressive, harsh, or condescending phrasing. Soften
your words and approach.
“this
is a internet group forum and its free
all
the websites YOU peole surf to, is where the email addresses are
gotten
from that target forums like this.”
Notice
how Delores completely shirks responsibility as well as deflects the blame
back to the group members. By
the way, as far as I know, what Delores says
about people's web surfing is simply untrue (if anyone knows differently, by
all means please let me know). The reason her group is being spammed is
because it is open and unmoderated. Spammers know this and will post their
spam even if they get banned, because at least they got one message through
and perhaps to hundreds of members. Even moderated groups get spammed.
LESSON:
As a leader, make sure that you take responsibility for your “stuff.” Do
not shirk responsibility and then put the blame back on your employees. If
it’s your “stuff,” then accept responsibility. If it’s their
“stuff,” then coach and develop them into better behavior and/or
performance.
“We
are not interested in porn, sex or any of these things and YOU may
have
no idea how many posts we nuke.”
Delores
now makes excuses and tries to justify her position in an effort to make
herself look good. The fact is that it doesn’t matter how many posts she
“nukes,” once they have been posted, they go out via email to the group
members. Delores may delete them from the group website, but the damage has
been done.
LESSON:
Leaders
never make excuses, let alone empty excuses. They deal with the issue at hand,
and work diligently to mitigate damage to people or relationships.
“"you
moderate members until you deem they are "ok"
in
your eyes? 'What do you do go to their homes and look over there
shoulders
until that person seems acceptable to you?”
Notice
how Delores continues in her condescending, judgmental, and berating tone. She
is actually mocking Lori, who posted a good solution with honorable intent.
LESSON:
The lesson is obvious: Don’t speak in a condescending and berating tone.
Don’t mock your employee’s good ideas. When an employee comes to you with
an idea, LISTEN! Commend the employee for caring enough and taking the mental
time to actually contemplate a potential solution, even if the solution is
undoable.
“I
run this website and this forum.
if
you don't like the occasional odd and bad things that are posted
here,
well join the club. Neither do I. 98% percent spam free, ooooh!
I
guess out of hundreds of posts this month - 5 or 6 spams are what?
one
percent? Well whoppeee for you.
“If
you want to post complaints, do it else where.”
Can’t
you just envision the unrestrained frustration and mocking attitude oozing
from her words? Delores now completely dresses Lori down who offered an
excellent solution. And by the way, Delores’ claim of “5 or 6 spams” is
simply not accurate. At the very least, Delores is in complete denial. I
myself deleted at least three-dozen spam messages over the course of one week.
LESSON:
Consider
a translation of the above: “I’m the boss and what I say goes. I’m not
interested in hearing what you have to say, even if it is valid.” Leaders
are always interested in what employees—or anyone else for that
matter—have to say. Leaders don’t take themselves too seriously, nor do
they consider themselves to be above other people’s feelings, ideas, and
input. And to reiterate, Leaders never mock anyone!
“As
Steve said I also echo. [Delores
now quotes another moderator of her forum]
Sorry
for the nasty posts that come about here, we get rid of them
soon
as we see them and they do not come from us.
Further
said, ignore them please - as you would anywhere else until
we
delete them and stop complaining so much.
Get
over yourselves.”
Steve
actually started out quite well, and then went downhill at the end. In fact,
he completely undid his nice post with the last eight words. Bummer. By
quoting Steve, Delores simply underscored and reinforced his ultimately poor
method of communication.
LESSON:
Leaders,
don’t undermine your good communication techniques by becoming frustrated
with your employees and letting it show. Don’t undo all the good you do with
a few poorly chosen and misplaced words. Furthermore, do not reinforce any
employees who exhibit poor communication skills. Coach those employees in the
art of assertive communication.
An
Assertive Approach
Now
that I have torn apart this example of extremely poor communication, how could
Delores have
approached this matter assertively? Consider this approach:
Hi
Group,
I’ve
heard your complaints about all the spam, and I share your frustration! It has
always been my intent for this group to be open and unmoderated to facilitate
free expression.
However, I can now see that an unmoderated group only invites unscrupulous
spammers and opportunists.
I
am very interested in Lori’s idea as to how she eliminated 98% of the spam
in her group. Lori, could you explain a little more on how exactly you go
about achieving this? Thanks!
As
for the current situation, please bear with me as I make a final decision on
the best course of action in the next few days. May I suggest that until we
solve this problem, you simply delete any spam emails you get from this group
as a temporary solution?
Thank
you very much for your patience and understanding. And if anyone else has any
ideas, please don’t be shy! I’d love to hear them! It is my intent to
resolve this problem as quickly as possible so we can all focus on the topics
at hand.
Again,
my apologies.
—
Delores, Group Owner
Notice
how the tone of this rewritten approach is nicer and much more positive.
Notice that it in no way mocks Lori (or anyone else), but commends her for
caring enough to contribute, and invites her to have an even bigger part. By
implication, Lori will undoubtedly feel appreciated and honored for having
contributed a good and useful idea.
Additionally,
in this rewritten approach Delores takes responsibility for her “stuff,”
as she is the group owner and the “buck stops there,” so to speak. She
also asks for the group’s patience in a kind way, as well as offers a
temporary solution. She then extends an invitation to anyone else who may have
a good idea, and reiterates her desire to resolve the problem quickly.
As
I’ve said a thousand times in my seminars, assertiveness is not a hat we
wear; it is not a coat we put on. Assertiveness comes from who we are within.
I’ve also stated many times that assertive people are human too, and they
get angry and frustrated at times. But the difference between an assertive
person and an aggressive person is that the assertive person may think it;
they may feel it; but then they put it through their “Nice Filter” and say
it, as the rewritten approach shows.
Continue
to develop your own assertive communication skills. Indeed, these skills will
either make you or break you as a leader.
To
finish off, did Delores have anything further to say? Yes she did:
and let me clarify
I am sick of all of your complaining about something I cannot do
anything about
and
PROFANITY is not allowed here
make your posts now people and bitch it up
I am closing this forum on fat Tuesday
because why?
complaining gets on my bad side after soooo so long and trying so
hard to ignore all of you and your complaints.
ANY PORNOGRAPHY ON THE DAILY DIGEST COMES FROM AVENUES YOU ARE
SURFING.
I may at another time open another forum.
Thank you for your attendance.
Webmaster
Need
I say any more?
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