Nobody’s
Perfect… or Are They?
A New Paradigm on
the Concept of Perfection
By
Doug
Kelley, CH, CSL
August
2003
“Our
image of perfection is the reason we reject ourselves the way we are,
and
why we don't accept others the way they are.”
—
Don Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements
“Is
anyone here perfect?” When
I ask seminar attendees this question, it is rare to find someone who will
say that they are perfect. This is not surprising for several reasons.
Most people simply believe that they are not perfect, and to think of
yourself as “perfect” means you are either an egotist or grossly
immodest. Some also object on religious grounds as well.
But
why is it really so hard for people to think of themselves as perfect?
Simply stated, because of a lifetime of mental conditioning that says,
“Nobody is perfect.” At the core is an incorrect view of what
“perfection” really means as it relates to human beings. The common
concept of “perfection” is inherently flawed when it comes to human
beings because it sets us up to fail.
Consider:
when we are born, we are conditioned to strive toward what? Perfection.
And at the same time, as we grow, we know that we can never attain what? Perfection.
Do you not see a dichotomy here, a conflict? In other words, we are
programmed and conditioned to strive for something that we can never
attain. Do you see a problem with this picture? It is distorted and
dysfunctional. How about a different perspective on perfection?
How
to Determine If You Are Perfect
Answer
these two questions,
1.
“Is
there anyone on this planet who is more perfect at being you than you
are?” (Hint,
the answer is “No.”)
2.
“Therefore,
are you perfect?”
Yes! You are perfectly you! You are unique and there is no one else
exactly like you. You are perfectly you!
In
my experience with hundreds of people, when I ask the above two questions,
they still tell me “No, I’m not perfect.” If they do say yes, they
always follow it up with a qualifying statement such as, “Okay, I’m
perfect in that sense, but I still make mistakes.”
Most
of us have been so conditioned over a lifetime of being criticized and put
down, that we simply lack the self-esteem to recognize common disabling
beliefs that keep us down. Therefore when pressed, we feel we must qualify
our statement so that it is acceptable to our belief system. The common
concept of “perfection” is a disabling belief. It tears down and
discourages; it doesn’t build up and encourage, but it should.
Out
with the Old, In with the New
The
old, tired out concept of perfection / imperfection is nothing more than
an ancient human belief system designed to control and manipulate through
guilt and shame. It is a control tactic. It restrains us from having a
healthy, realistic, and positive view of ourselves, and therefore, of
others. The old concept compels us subtly and inexorably toward inner
unhappiness. Why? Because “there always seems to be a reason to not feel
good about ourselves.” We always seem to find some reason to justify our
low feelings of self-worth. In turn, our own unhealthy self-concept lowers
our view of other people.
Furthermore,
the old concept of perfection also hinders us from achieving our true
potential. “If we can never be perfect, then we might as well give up”
is the implied subconscious message.
It
is time for a new and better perspective on perfection that serves to
build up and fortify a healthy self-concept. Each one of us is perfectly
ourselves; therefore we are perfect in the only way that makes sense for
human beings. It is a new paradigm.
What
“Perfect” Really Means
Now
let me tell you a little about perfect people. Perfect people are doing
the best they can with the knowledge and experience they have at the
moment. Furthermore, perfect people are constantly striving to be better
tomorrow than they were yesterday; they strive to grow as human beings.
Perfect people realize that they are no better than anyone else; but they
also realize that they are no worse than anyone else. Perfect people have
Greatness to Deliver, they strive to build others up and make a difference
to the world. They strive to leave the woodpile higher than they found it.
Does
Thinking of Yourself as “Perfect” Mean You Are Immodest?
Even
after explaining a far better concept for perfection, many people will
still resist; they are still not able to passionately say, “Yes! I’m
perfect!” They feel that it is simply immodest to say that one is
perfect. They feel that only arrogant and egotistical people say those
things.
But
have you considered that an egotist and someone with little or no
self-esteem are actually both focused on the same thing? Egotists are
people who think more of themselves than they should; they think they are
better than others. They are self-focused.
But
what is the person with no self-esteem focused on? “Other people,” you
say? No. They are focused on what other people think of them! They
are self-focused, just like the egotist, although for different reasons.
Modesty is about having a proper and balanced view of you. If you
think poorly of yourself, you are not modest. So,
thinking of yourself as “imperfect” is actually immodest.
How
Can You Make Mistakes And Still Be “Perfect”?
But
what about the fact that we all make mistakes? How can one be
“perfect” and still make mistakes? Easy. Mistakes do not diminish
perfection; they enhance it to the extent that we learn from those
mistakes. It has well been said, “there are no mistakes; only learning
opportunities.” Mistakes are how we humans learn! If we don’t make
mistakes, we do nothing and we don’t learn. Making mistakes is as
much a part of human nature as eating and sleeping. It cannot and must
not be resisted. It is the only way we grow.
Making mistakes can be costly, to be sure, and costly in many ways.
But this is what we call “experience,” and experience cannot be
acquired by book learning alone. Mistakes and experience are directly
related: the more costly the mistake, the higher the value of our
experience. And this only adds to our perfection!
Of course, it is not wise to be so careless that we make mistakes
that we would not have otherwise made if we had just given the matter some
thought in advance. Being careless only forces us to unnecessarily learn
the same lesson twice.
“Perfection”
and the Guilt Factor
How
many people carry around a huge bag of guilt over their shoulder? Just
about everyone. How about you? How long have you been carrying around your
“guilt bag”? Most of your life?
You
know how it works; you screw up and make a mistake. Then you incriminate,
convict, and sentence yourself to terrible mental and emotional anguish
for your “crime.” Then you deliberately and painstakingly add this
“crime” to your guilt bag. And you continue to carry around your guilt
bag with almost a distorted sense of arrogance (self-focus) that only
validates your low self-worth. Furthermore, you believe that your guilt
bag is invisible to others, but it is not. On some subconscious level,
everyone can see your guilt bag, and you can see everyone else’s. It
manifests in such areas as weight problems (overweight or underweight),
extreme submissiveness or extreme aggression, giving up on life,
alcoholism and drug abuse, unrealized potential, and relationship
problems. The guilt bag slowly eats away at your soul like a cancer from
the inside out.
What
do you do with your guilt bag? Simply let go of the death grip you have on
it! I know, it’s easier said than done. So how do you begin to let go of
it? Get angry that you have been encumbered by guilt and low self-esteem
for so long! When your anger goes up, your fear goes down. Begin to view
yourself in a healthy and proper way. Adopt the maxim that I learned and
wrote about several years ago: “What I do is not necessarily who I
am.” Give yourself permission to learn the lesson from your
“mistake,” make amends if necessary, and then move forward guilt-free.
Make the decision to cease being immodest and self-focused.
“God
is the Only One Who is Perfect”
For
those who are religiously inclined, this new concept of perfection may run
against your belief system. Maybe you are thinking, “no one is perfect
except our heavenly Father.” Is this an accurate assessment?
Doesn’t
the Bible state “man was made in God’s image”? Did not Jesus say in
the Sermon on the Mount, "… you are to be perfect, as your heavenly
Father is perfect.” (Matthew 5:48 ) How can you be “perfect, as your
heavenly Father is perfect” if perfection is unattainable? Why would a
loving God set you up to fail?
“But
wait,” you say, “We understand this to mean that we will not be
perfect until we die and go to heaven to be with God.” But how can this
be? Jesus said, “you must be….” not “you will
be….” It is obvious that a loving God would not require something of
you that you could not attain. Therefore, “perfection” must be
understood in a new way; one that is attainable.
Perfection
and Self-Esteem
If
you still have a hard time accepting your perfection, may I suggest that
you seriously work on your own self-esteem to the point that you can have
a healthy and realistic view of you.
Try
this little daily ritual to boost your self-esteem: Each night, ask
yourself, “What did I do today that I’m proud of myself for?” It is
okay to be proud of yourself! Do you want to help your children? Why not
ask them the same question each night? For little children, a
“perfect” time to do this is when you read them a bedtime story. Make
it part of their daily ritual too. Then maybe they will grasp the tools to
build a healthy self-concept as they grow up.
Being
perfect is all about having a healthy self-concept. When you get to the
point that you don’t have an unhealthy concern for what others think,
you will then be able to see yourself in the proper way. You will not be
so self-focused. You will have a proper balance of focus between yourself
and others. A healthy self-esteem is the beginning of self-empowerment.
So,
are you perfect? I hope you will raise your head up high and say with
passion, “Yes! I am perfect!” You are perfectly you, and
that is simply the way it is!
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