|
The
Wisdom in the Mirror
—The
Power of Personal Responsibility
By
Doug Kelley, CH, CSL - February 2001
"If
you could kick the man responsible for most of your
troubles,
you wouldn't sit down for a week."
—Owen
Arnold
While
in
Saint Louis, Missouri, for some training in the summer of 1999, I found
something that has had a major impact on my thinking and perspective. I
found it in a cubbyhole in my assigned workstation. I don’t know where
it came from, or who left it there, but I knew it needed a new owner, and
I was only too happy to fill that position.
It
was a specialty item, about the size of a business card; flat, magnetic on
the back, and had a mirror finish on the front-you
could see yourself in it. Printed on the mirror surface were the words:
“I
am Looking at the Person Responsible for My Future.”
Those
words have reverberated through my mind many times since that day.
And the interesting thing about it is not so much the words
themselves-after
all, they reflect a concept I am well aware of—but the profound way in
which they were presented. The whole idea of looking at yourself in the
mirror (as we do several times each day) and being reminded that it is we
individually who bear responsibility for our own lives is intensely
thought provoking.
I
found these words and the manner in which they were presented so moving
that I printed them out on paper and taped them to the bathroom mirrors in
my house. That way my family and I are reminded of their power and
truth everyday-even
if it is only subconsciously.
Try
it for yourself: Stand in front of a mirror, look yourself square in the
eye, and say five or ten times out loud, “I am looking at the person
responsible for my future.” Powerful!
These
words reflect a principle truth in our universe. But how unfortunate that
many people never truly learn this precious truth. So often, we see
someone blaming everything from God to their childhood for the problems
they have. And while there may be a measure of truth in what they say, the
"real truth" remains: each one of us is responsible for
ourselves—no one else.
Only
we control us. Try as we may, we can never control or take responsibility
for someone else. The sooner we understand this concept—no, the sooner
we comprehend the complete
meaning of those words down to our very soul—the more meaningful and
productive our lives will become.
What
Else Can We Learn?
Is
there anything else we can learn from these beautiful words of personal
responsibility? Suppose we modify those words slightly. Think about this:
“I
Am Looking at the Person Responsible for Where I am TODAY.”
If
you are like me, you may object when you first read these words. In my own
experience, my most difficult adversities came as a result of someone
else’s drinking. How could I be responsible for where I am today if it
was due to another’s alcoholism-something
I had no control over?
As
I learned the lessons of the adversity and came to terms with my own
codependency, I realized I was both right and wrong in my thinking. I was
correct in the part about not being able to control another person or
their addiction. However, it took me a long time to realize that I had
played the roles of the Enabler, the Codependent, and the Victim-and
I played these roles for years, and I was very, very good at it.
Furthermore,
my playing these roles (something I could
control) contributed in no small measure to the pain and adversity I went
through.
So
the point is this: We alone play a much bigger role for where we are right
now than we may like to think. In other words, life is much fairer than we
give it credit for, because life returns to us exactly what we put into
it. Just like the mirror—it gives us back exactly what it sees.
These
are strong words, and it can be difficult to accept them. But don’t take
my word for it-explore
this concept for yourself and see if it doesn't ring true.
Let
me also qualify this entire concept of personal responsibility. There
certainly are times and events in which we have no control, such as freak
accidents, or acts of nature. I am not addressing those times or events. I
am addressing the 99% or the rest of our lives that we can control.
About
Our Past
How
about another modification of those words?
“I
Am Looking at the Person Responsible for My past.”
If
we are responsible for our present and future, then it follows that we are
also responsible for our past. But this is an area where we must be very
careful, we must understand it in perspective. Why? Because we were not
always adults. As children, we were not always responsible for our actions
due to age and inexperience. There is also the deeply painful issue of
childhood physical, emotional and sexual abuse. Many children emerge into
adulthood carrying heavy burdens of guilt and shame because of events they
truly could not control. So we must be balanced in our assessment of our
past, especially when it comes to our childhood.
But
here is the critical truth about our past: We have all made mistakes! Sure
it would be nice to go back and change a thing or two, even many things,
but we simply cannot. And would we really want to? Our mistakes, missteps,
and blunders are the things that have made us who we are. My father always
told me, "He who makes no mistakes doesn't do anything." As we
go out and happen to life, mistakes are unavoidable, and this is perfectly
acceptable, for it can be no other way.
We
can't go back and change the past, but we can
learn the lessons contained in our mistakes and then move
forward. By
learning the lessons contained in our mistakes and moving forward, we take
responsibility for our past! In fact, this is the primary
way we take responsibility for our past, because the past is the past
and we cannot change it.
We
must also accept responsibility for our past by accepting and learning
from the consequences of our
past mistakes. This could include making restitution, fulfilling an
obligation, or providing care, to name a few.
A
while back, I happened to be listening to talk show host Bruce Williams as
I was driving one night. He
was talking to a fellow who had gotten himself into debt by about $10,000.
The caller had a great attitude toward his debt—he wanted to get himself
out of it because he had gotten himself into it. Bruce applauded the
fellow and made an interesting comment, "When we stand in front of
the mirror, we either see a little boy or a man." Bruce was calling
attention to taking personal responsibility in our own life. If we want
our lives to change, then we must stand tall in the mirror, that is, in
our own internal opinion of ourselves, and make those changes. In this
way, we see an adult—not a child—when we look in the mirror. By seeing
ourselves as such, we act as adults—not children—in taking and
accepting personal responsibility for our lives.
When
we combine powerful words with powerful presentation, we are left with a
life-changing concept: We alone are responsible for our future, our past
(in perspective), and where we are today.
So
the next time you are looking at the person in the mirror, repeat the
words, "I am looking at the person responsible for my past, present
and future." Accept responsibility for who you are; for where you
are. Learn from the Wisdom in the Mirror.
|
